When stardates align.

It's often said that things happen for a reason. I often say that is stupid. Today, however, I feel as though the forces of the universe had a plan for me.

I went with Chanel and Jesse to Skateland after work and immediately regreted it. Pre-immediately, in fact. Like, before we even got there. I've had a mysterioius, meandering illness for nigh on three weeks that's left me with mild, intermittent diziness; plus I made the unwise decision to drink 16oz of Vietnamesed* iced coffee right before going.

We got there and found out that two elementary schools were having some event, increasing the concentration of screaching, obese school children by several orders of magitude. With a heavy, anxiety-ridden heart, I donned my lightly-disinfected, suspiciously urine-scented, rented rollerblades. After trying and failing to get one of the shitty straps to tighten securely, I fell squarely on my ass in the attempt to descend one six-inch step. I exchanged them for a new pair, skated one lap, and then realized they'd just polished the rink that day. I simultaneously realized that the eraser-like break on my skate had been worn down to the nub. I'd had enough to declared "Fuck this bullshit!"*

As luck would have it, Skateland is less than a mile down the street from Bookman's. I borrowed Nelly's car keys, waded through the sea of bastards-on-wheels with a twichy, clenched fist, and made my escape.  My spirits were already lifted just walking around the lovely, quiet bookshelves, but the cosmic moneyshot to my day ocurred when I entered the knicknack section and the light settled upon this:

Stardate 230924.0504.43* Most of the time, a shitty evening is just a shitty evening. But once in a while, the stars align to shine a sparkling glow on that turd. Darmok and Jalad at Tenagra. I know the moral of that story doesn't apply here, but Chanel likes that episode.

*If you've never had it, Vietnamese iced coffee is equal parts espresso and sweetened condensed milk mixed together and poured over a glass of ice. This doubles the caffeine and sugar of regular coffee, thus increasing both the deliciousness and the laxativeness.  I realize that Vietnamesed iced coffee is not a thing- yet! I declare it shall be so from now on. It can also be used as a verb in the present tense: "I am Vietnamesing this coffee", and past participle "This coffee has been Vietnamesed."

*Fortunately no vrigin ears were raped by my wanton profanity, as my cry to the heavens was drowned out by the rythmic thumpings of Lady Gaga.

*I just did a google search for today's stardate and some weird generator thing presented me with that, so I'm using it because I'm not a complete loser who is actually going to thoroughly research whatever today's actual stardate would be. You get the idea though.

Adventures in Nasal Washing

About 3 weeks ago I came down with a nasty upper-respiratory infection. I had mucus coming out of me like nothing I'd ever experienced. Tissue after tissue, blow after blow. It just. Kept. Coming. So my aunt suggested I get a Neti-Pot. I'd heard good things about them before and my aunt is a nurse so I figured she'd know about these things.

The idea of using one of these is kind of scary. When I was a child, I had a rice incident. I was eating a bowl of teriyaki chicken in the mall food court when someone made me laugh and one grain of rice went up my nose and lodged somewhere in my sinuses. I can remember how that felt to this day and it still makes me shudder. So I'd never been comfortable with the idea of anything ever going up there. Ever again.

But my mucus was copious and my Kleenex supply short. I went to Walgreens and spent $15 on the NeilMed Neti-Pot, the only brand they seemed to have at my location. I was hoping for $15 I'd be getting a cute little ceramic teapot, so that I could irrigate my nostrils with some decorum. What I got was a little blue plastic watering can that probably cost about $0.07 to manufacture. It comes with 50 packets of pre-mixed saline powder. It's basically salt and baking soda, but it claims to be "pharmaceutical grade", and the instruction booklet (it's about 15 pages long) warns you of the dangers of using anything but NeilMed brand Sinus Wash packets. So, theoretically, at least I can use this 50 times without exploding my nasal cavity or something.


The instructions tell you to dilute one packet into 8oz of filtered water. Then, you tilt your head at a 45° angle, lean over the sink, stick the spout in one nostril and pour until the water comes out the other nostril. 8oz doesn't normally seem like a lot of fluid, until it's going up your nose.


I found this fairly difficult to do the first time as nothing was coming out. I eventually managed to shake things loose by flaring my nostrils; tilting my head slightly back, but not too far back or the water goes right down your throat; and slightly blowing out my nostrils until a long strand of saline and mucus ran out my nose. It was so long. I was disgusted and horrified, whining to my boyfriend about how horrible it was. Then he left the room because he was starting to get grossed out too. I'm not sure he will ever find me sexy again.


The first couple of times I Neti-Potted, the water came out in trickles and spurts, rather than the smooth stream depicted in the manual. Once you get the liquid to flow into your sinuses, the sensation is somewhat unpleasant. I haven't actually timed it yet, but the time it takes to drain this pot seems like an eternity. The instructions suggest you make a "KHA...KHA" sound while breathing through your mouth to keep the solution from running down your throat. I tried this and found it to be weird and unnecessary. It also freaked out my boyfriend even more.

I've been using my Neti-Pot for about two weeks now. The first time I used it, after I got all that nastiness out of my nose, I felt immediately better. I'd gone through nearly half a box of Kleenex that day, but only had to blow my nose about twice afterwards. The manual suggests you use their product twice a day, and I am totally not committed to that. I've been using it about every other day because it's just kind of a pain in the ass. So far I haven't noticed any miraculous changes in my breathing, as I still have a stuffy nose all the time. But I also went hiking last weekend, got my pants all yellow with pollen, and didn't need to take any allergy medication. Now that it's spring in Phoenix, I'll figure out in the next couple of months how well it holds up.

Sprinkled

It was pretty hot out this afternoon and I thought it would be a brilliant idea to forgo my blowdryer after my noon o'clock shower and go lay in the grass under a tree for a few minutes. I got about three minutes in when I heard the dreaded *clickclick*SHHHHH* of the sprinker system. I grabbed my towel and shoes and ran through the grass shrieking like a girl, then turned around and shook my fist at the sprinklers.

Since it's 102 degrees out, I walked around my building and dried in one lap, so I was able to appreciate the humor of the situation. Had it been February, I would not have been so forgiving.

Oh shit! Sprinklers!


You win this time, Sprinkers.

Vacation

Hello! I hope everyone had a good holiday weekend. I spent my Memorial Day in southern California with my sister, relaxing at the beach and catching up with some friends. Chanel didn’t want to leave Menudo at home since she is taking several medications right now and since she’s getting on in years we decided this would be a good chance to take her on a little retirement vacation. We stayed at the Costa Mesa Wyndham. It worked out very well because it was the only pet-friendly hotel I found that didn’t charge a non-refundable pet deposit, and it was only 6 miles from Newport Beach. The hotel was fairly nice and the rooms reasonably priced, but the location wasn’t within walking distance of anything and the hotel restaurant was very expensive. We were limited to driving whenever we wanted food but it we were right off the 405 and the 55 so it wasn’t much of a problem. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone traveling in Orange County with a pet. As I said, they don’t charge any deposits, there are many dog-walk areas and clean-up bag stations, and if you do decide to splurge on the restaurant you can make reservations to enjoy the breakfast buffet on the patio with your dog.

We spent most of the weekend around the Newport Pier. We rented bicycles on Saturday for just $5/hr and rode down the boardwalk to the end of the Balboa Peninsula and back, stopping to enjoy an $18, 36-oz margarita on the way back! Menudo came along for the ride in her Perro Pack and got in some sun and fresh sea air. We managed to take her out on the beach for a good 45 minutes before the beach rent-a-cops kicked her out. She was rather indignant, but wasn’t particularly upset to be away from the water, which was a bit chilly and wet for her taste.

Saturday night we joined our grandparents, who were also at the beach for the weekend, at Duke’s on Huntington Beach. I’ve had their lunches several times and I think they have the best calamari I’ve ever had. I’ve been in love with it since the first time I ate there around 2000. The dinner menu was a lot pricier though and even though I wasn’t paying for it, I still felt guilty and just got a bowl of clam chowder. It was delicious and there were free, endless sourdough bread rolls. My grandparents also had two coupons for Hula pie. The Hula pie is roughly a pound of vanilla ice cream on an Oreo crust, covered in chocolate fudge, whipped cream, and almond slivers. Yeah. I know. The five of us took down 2 slices, and it was glorious. There was some grasping of bellies, groaning, expressing a desire to go to the hospital and have our stomachs pumped, and early signs of Type II Diabetes. But it was worth it.

We made a pact to never eat carbs again, which was quickly forgotten the next morning at Newport Beach when we passed Seaside Donuts. We bought 2 croissants, 2 chocolate long johns, a dozen glazed donut holes (for later), and a tall latte for $7. We then enjoyed our delicious pastries on a bench at the end of the pier, staying wary of rogue seagulls who might try and relive us of our donuts.

After breakfast we braved traffic and drove to Los Angeles for a BBQ hosted by Slackmistress and Betheboy. It was lovely to see them again after a year and a half, and to finally meet Daisy Dog. They are both incredible hosts and I don’t think I was without food or a drink in my hand the entire time I was there. I still need to get Slack’s recipe for her awesome corn salad. I was also sent home with a couple of the Hot Blogger calendars, which have now joined a USA Character Project magazine clipping of Lenora Claire adorning the walls of my wee office cubicle.

Monday morning we headed back home after a second round of donuts on the pier. The trip back was fairly uneventful. We considered stopping at the Cabazon outlet mall for some shopping but the place was a zoo. I’d never seen it so crowded before. We had better luck finding parking at the beach. We stopped in Hadley’s date farm instead and I remembered why I didn’t buy anything the last time I was there- it is expensive as hell. So I tried a scoop of date ice cream for $3 and was content with that.

So the weekend was full of delightful weather, tasty carb-overload, and much-needed stress relief. Now it’s back to the desert, work, and the gym. Bleh. But I am very happy to say that I got the promotion at work after 9 months, I have FINALLY been hired on as a real employee, which means that I’m now entitled to a staggering THREE sick days and FIVE vacation days a year! Yeah it still sucks, but it’s the first time I’ve ever had paid time off so I’ll make due. I am open to suggestions about how to use the vacation days and where I should go next. Should you wish to sponsor me on your couch or sofa-bed, you know where to contact me.

Dear Old Mom

After an incident with my mother today that left me stranded on the side of Scottsdale road at 2pm in 105 degree heat, my mom wanted to express her feelings to me through the medium of angry text messages. I bring them directly to you:

u dre mot stranded u jumped out of the car bcuz i asked u 2 get over ur isrues wher iwith me. That is wat hagened that is the truth! This txt was from a bystander!

wel u sen it 2 me and since u and chanel hav both refered 2 me as a liar it must b true and that makes u a liar as well

Then she decided to get Chanel involved in the discussion:

champagne us making up dramb and got caught doing somthing i am constantly bing accused of LIEING! IM SICK OF THIS SHIT AND WILL NOT TOLERATE IT ANYMORE!

As you can see, my mother likes to talk out problems in a calm and rational manner. Oh and in case you were wondering what began this familial apocalypse, the conversation went something like this:

Me: We're taking Menudo to the beach with us next weekend.
Mom: What the fuck! I should have a say in this!
Me: No, she's Chanel's dog. This is none of your business
Mom: You know she'd rather be with me. She loves me more.
Me: She's a fucking DOG. And she's Chanel's dog. And Chanel wants to take her to the beach. I found a dog-friendly hotel where you can even take your dog to the breakfast buffet with you. It'll be fun.
Mom: She's my dog.
Me: No she is NOT. She's Chanel's dog. Before that she was MY dog.
Mom: She's my dog. You took her away from me.
Me: ...what in the hell are you talking about? We got Menudo 10 years ago because I always wanted a chihuahua. I even paid for her.
Mom: I stayed up with her all night when Chanel thought she was dying!
Me: That was ME! She came to my house and we sat up with her in my bed!!
Mom: Well... then I did it before that.
Me: This conversation is insane.
Mom: You know, I'm about done with you and Chanel. You two need to get over yourselves and stop being belligerant with me.
Me: I'd like to go home now please. I'm not doing this with you anymore.
Mom: No.
Me: I'll walk then.

So I got out of the car at a red light, walked until I found a bus stop, and went home. Now I'm wondering how to explain my sunburn to my date tonight. We've only been out once and I think the second date is a bit early for the "By the way, my family is batshit insane" conversation.

I applied for what might possibly be the greatest job in the entire world.

I'm almost afraid to talk about it because I don't want to jinx myself. But I'm just so excited because it's like this job was created just for me.
Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers/blood sacrifices for the next few weeks because I'm very much in need of some good luck.

Hello, World!

I should really be getting ready for bed right now, but I feel guilty about neglecting my blog for so long. On April 1st I was packing up for a brief trip to Ft. Worth when I discovered that my laptop wouldn't turn on. Fortunately I had purchased the extended warranty from Best Buy, so my mom offered to drop it off for me while I was out of town. What should have been a weekend repair job turned into a month-long hostage situation wherein Best Buy would not relinquish my computer, citing a backlog of other computers as their excuse. I didn't really mind that much about the wait. I kind of got used to not having a computer during the 4 months earlier in the year when I couldn't afford internet service. I just wish they had said from the get-go that it would take so long so I could have put my internet service on hold and saved myself a monthly bill for a service I couldn't use.

Anyways, the computer is back now. I've been pretty busy during the week so I haven't had time to blog lately. But hopefully I'll have some free time coming up soon. I've been up for a promotion at work for nearly a month now and due to various office drama my boss keeps putting off making her decision. Things were looking bad for awhile due to various bullshittery that I won't get into. But HR has gotten involved with the goings-on and things are starting to look up for me. Woo! I'm still not thrilled about the job but it's a bit of a pay raise so that will help me pay off my school debt a little quicker.

So for now I'm just biding my time and settle into reverse hibernation mode for the summer. This is the annual process in which I purchase bulk quantities of sun block, tack blankets over the windows, hole up in my apartment and pray that I get through another summer in the desert without succumbing to melanoma, heatstroke, or manic depression. Wish me luck, folks!

Betheaudition

Details here.

update

Hello, Internet! Just dropping by to let you know I have not died. Not insofar as I can tell, at any rate. I've been working a lot lately and saving up money for an investment.
I'm not ready to blog about this investment yet but I'll give you a few examples of what it's not just for fun:

• pot
• an Easy Bake Oven
• a human skeleton (or any portion thereof)
• fancy hats

As you may know, I have no internet at work. Please bear with my sporadic visits to the internet during this time of financial growth. If market projections are accurate, the returns should be 475% more awesome.

Myspace knows I have Jungle Fever.

Lately I keep seeing a banner ad for Interracial Dating on myspace... And I was wondering how it KNOWS. I don't think it's mentioned anywhere in my profile "Interests: vegetarian cooking, bicycling, black cock". And yet somehow...