Dear Old Mom

After an incident with my mother today that left me stranded on the side of Scottsdale road at 2pm in 105 degree heat, my mom wanted to express her feelings to me through the medium of angry text messages. I bring them directly to you:

u dre mot stranded u jumped out of the car bcuz i asked u 2 get over ur isrues wher iwith me. That is wat hagened that is the truth! This txt was from a bystander!

wel u sen it 2 me and since u and chanel hav both refered 2 me as a liar it must b true and that makes u a liar as well

Then she decided to get Chanel involved in the discussion:

champagne us making up dramb and got caught doing somthing i am constantly bing accused of LIEING! IM SICK OF THIS SHIT AND WILL NOT TOLERATE IT ANYMORE!

As you can see, my mother likes to talk out problems in a calm and rational manner. Oh and in case you were wondering what began this familial apocalypse, the conversation went something like this:

Me: We're taking Menudo to the beach with us next weekend.
Mom: What the fuck! I should have a say in this!
Me: No, she's Chanel's dog. This is none of your business
Mom: You know she'd rather be with me. She loves me more.
Me: She's a fucking DOG. And she's Chanel's dog. And Chanel wants to take her to the beach. I found a dog-friendly hotel where you can even take your dog to the breakfast buffet with you. It'll be fun.
Mom: She's my dog.
Me: No she is NOT. She's Chanel's dog. Before that she was MY dog.
Mom: She's my dog. You took her away from me.
Me: ...what in the hell are you talking about? We got Menudo 10 years ago because I always wanted a chihuahua. I even paid for her.
Mom: I stayed up with her all night when Chanel thought she was dying!
Me: That was ME! She came to my house and we sat up with her in my bed!!
Mom: Well... then I did it before that.
Me: This conversation is insane.
Mom: You know, I'm about done with you and Chanel. You two need to get over yourselves and stop being belligerant with me.
Me: I'd like to go home now please. I'm not doing this with you anymore.
Mom: No.
Me: I'll walk then.

So I got out of the car at a red light, walked until I found a bus stop, and went home. Now I'm wondering how to explain my sunburn to my date tonight. We've only been out once and I think the second date is a bit early for the "By the way, my family is batshit insane" conversation.